What to do when children push our boundaries

I’ve been looking forward to getting to this topic all about when children push our boundaries. It might be a baby dropping food on the floor, a toddler not wanting to leave the playground, a preschooler refusing to go to bed, a school aged child complaining that their friends are allowed to ____, or a teenager who is rude to us.

What happens if we have beautiful Montessori agreements but our children don’t stick to them?

You know what it’s like. You’re following a Montessori approach at home, you’ve learned about freedom within limits, you’re avoiding getting compliance only through rewards, bribes, punishments and threats, and yet you find that your children just will not stop pushing boundaries.

Let me assure you, it is a child’s job to push boundaries.

Why kids push boundaries?

A child from 0 to 3 may push a boundary around being independent. In this period they are learning to separate from you and say “I” and “no.”

A child from 3 to 6 wants to find out where the edges lie, what is predictable, and when do we change our minds. Does one parent have a different approach to the other? How many times do I have to ask before they give in?

A child from 6 to 12 is exploring the grey areas and is busy with fairness and justice. They want to know why we do what we do in our home and why other families do things differently. “It’s not fair. __ gets to do it!” feels like a common catch cry in this period.

A child from 12 to 18 is practising to become an adult, becoming socially independent as well as starting to earn a little money. They don’t want to be told what to do and yet they still (generally) live under our roof and will need to follow our family agreements.

Why we need boundaries?

Even if it is our child’s job to always be pushing the boundaries this does not mean that we need to change the boundaries or that we let them get their way.

In Montessori, we give a child freedom and we give them boundaries to keep them safe. I love the analogy of a bridge that Nichole Holtvluwer uses. Crossing a bridge without a barrier would feel very scary (no limits); crossing a bridge with a very high barrier would block all of the view (too many limits); crossing a bridge with a secure barrier, helps us to cross safely, with love (boundaries set by agreement together). [I highly recommend listening to the whole podcast episode!]

But let’s try to avoid them pushing the boundaries in the first place by setting some reasonable boundaries using agreements.

Making agreements that work

Agreements are such a great way for moving from top down rules to a way where we can all work together as a family.

1. Make agreements together. I think I mention this in most of my posts. We want to make the family agreements together with our children. When children have a say in the agreement made, they are much more likely to keep to the agreement.
   
2. What to make agreements about? They may not be helping us decide which country we will be living in, but they can have a say in many things, eg, doing jobs around the home, what sports/activities they would like to participate in, our plans for the weekend, buying gifts for a relative, getting ready for visitors, age-appropriate screen time after 12 years old, etc.
   
3. At what age can you make agreements? Under 3 years old, we will need to make the agreements for the family. From around 3+, we can get the child involved with things like what we are having for dinner, tidying away toys, and getting to bed. From 6+ we will be able to work on agreements about almost anything! That said, I have seen young children agree to leaving the park by doing a high five with their parent/caregiver. This lets them know that there are 5 more minutes and they are acknowledging it by giving a high five.
   
4. Make agreements very specific. If we ask our child when they will do their homework and they choose “I’ll do it later”, we can ask them to set a time. Children 6+ years often find it fun to set a time like 5:18pm.
   
5. Helping them stick to their agreement. In the example above, if 5:18 pm then comes around and they are not yet working, we can remind them “It’s 5:18pm.” If they say, “But….” we can kindly and clearly restate, “It’s 5:18pm.” We are showing them there is not a discussion to be had. They may not be happy about it but we are helping them to keep to their agreements.
   
6. Review the agreements once a week to see how they are going. Once we have made an agreement, we can be proactive and check in to see how things are going. What is going well? What is still causing problems? This helps to show our children that their input is valuable and we can push back discussions about our agreements until these agreed review times. “It sounds like you and your brother are still arguing about who goes in the shower first. Let’s talk about it again at our family meeting on Friday…with popcorn!”
   
7. Write it down in a notebook or add it to the list on the fridge to discuss. It’s easy to forget to follow through on things we promise to talk to our children about. Similarly if we put something on the list, it gives our family a heads-up that we want to talk to them about a particular topic. So write it down – it could be in a notebook or on a list that you hang on the fridge or a note on a shared family chalk board.
   
8. Look for ways to have everyone’s needs met. There are many ways to solve a problem. You want to have a rest. Your child and their friends want to have the music up super loud. Can they use headphones and have a silent disco? Or you use the living room for an hour and then they can use the living room for an hour? Or they go to the neighbour’s house to listen to music?

What can we do if they still push boundaries?

So we have gone ahead and made some clear agreements but our children are still pushing the boundary, complaining, and procrastinating on doing what they said they would do.

Here are some tips to help:

1. Ask them how we can help them keep their agreements – we don’t want to take over responsibility but we may be happy to give them a reminder, eg, if we haven’t heard our teenager getting up, we might knock on their door 10 minutes before they are meant to leave to tell them the time
   
2. We stay kind and clear – we don’t need to shout or argue. We can remind them kindly and clearly of the agreement. Avoid sarcasm. If we find we are getting upset, find ways to regulate ourselves so we can be kind and clear with them instead. Here’s an article from the blog archive on staying calm that might be helpful.
   
3. Listen to their complaints – we don’t need to change our minds but we can acknowledge that we hear their complaints. “It sounds like you would like to ____. Today we are _____ and I’ll make a note in my notebook so we remember to discuss it at our next family meeting.”
   
4. If they ask us for permission and we are not sure, it’s ok to say “Let me think about it” – When you hear, “Can I ask you something?” take a deep breath and have an open mind. You can let them know how long you need to think about it or to discuss it with your partner etc. You do not need to give a yes or no straight away.
   
5. I love declarative language where you state what needs to happen. eg, “The front door is open (that they forgot to close) / There’s a school bag on the table (as they are leaving without it) ” Instead of nagging them, they have to think what they will do instead.
   
   Further reading: Declarative language handbook by Linda K Murphy *
   
6. As much as possible, try not to rescue them from their choices – there are many occasions when we can let the consequences do the teaching. If a highschooler doesn’t get their homework done in time, their teacher will have an appropriate consequence. If a school aged child leaves their gym clothes at home, they will have to ask the teacher for some help. If a toddler chooses the wrong shoes, they will get soggy socks jumping in the puddles and we can help them remember to take their rain boots next time.
   
7. Be specific about when things need to be done – if we are doing washing, we can tell our child to put any clothes they need for the weekend in the laundry basket by Thursday evening at 8pm. At 7:55pm, we may see that they haven’t brought their clothes yet and we can tell them there are 5 more minutes if they’d like their clothes washed. If they still choose not to put in their clothes, they can do their own washing and they will learn for next time.
   
8. Offer a small choice where possible – would they like to do their homework before or after having a snack? would they like to press the elevator button or carry a bag of shopping? would they like to go on the slide as their last turn or 10 pushes on the swing?
   
9. Talk less – keep it short. No lecturing. Re-state what needs to happen, and let them know you trust them to handle it. If they get upset, we of course help them to calm down. But we do not need to change the agreement.
   
10. Exceptional circumstances – we are always observing our child. If they are having a hard day or feeling unwell or anxious, we will know when we need to adjust our agreement. Just notice if we adjust the agreement every time it gets uncomfortable, then our child will learn that the agreements are flexible and may cause more push back in the long run. So adjust the agreements only in exceptional circumstances.

BONUS: Trust in our relationship with our child. If we have a strong base of connection, our relationship can handle a little push back. Be kind, clear, and respectful and, over time, the respect becomes mutual.

What this looks like in practice

To help you put this into practice, here are some common scenarios from different age children.

0-3

• “You tried to put on your shoes all by yourself. We’ve run out of time. I’ll help you finish and you can try again tomorrow.”
• “It’s time to leave the park. We have time for one last thing. Would you like to go on the slide or 10 pushes on the swing?”
• [to a child dropping food on the floor] “It looks like you are telling me you are all done? All done. Let’s take your plate to the kitchen. Now we can wipe the floor.”

3-6

• “Dinner is in 10 minutes. Do you have time to finish the puzzle or do you want to put a label with your name on it and come back to it later?”
• “Hmmm. That’s hard. You want to press the elevator button and your sister already pressed it. You can be in charge of pressing the button for our floor.”
• “We’ve done everything on the checklist for bed. What’s one last thing you’d like to tell me?” “I’d love to hear more about that other one tomorrow. Night night. Love you!”

6-12

• Buying something for them. “This is amount we have to spend. You really wanted those ones. I’ll add it onto my list in case you get any birthday money this year/get a little job.”
• “It’s time to turn off the __. Are you ok to turn it off or shall I help you?”
• “It’s not fair. They are allowed to watch screens as long as they like.” “Yes, in their house they have unlimited screen time and in our home we use screens for special projects like coding a project or making a stop motion film.” They are learning why different families have different rules. We can be clear on why we have these agreements in our home without feeling defensive.

12-18

• “You know earlier how you called me names. I know you were upset but it’s not ok to swear at me.”
• “It’s 8:30pm and I don’t see your phone on the charging station in the living room. I’m putting my phone on there now too.”
• For an older teenager: “You want to come home at 1am and it’s not safe for you to cycle alone at 1am. I can meet you at midnight. Would that work for you? Or you can cycle back by yourself if you are home by 10pm.”

I hope this is a helpful guide to some of the most difficult situations that arise when our children push back on boundaries and agreements.

Remember, the earlier we start to work in a collaborative way with our child, the easier it becomes to build respectful and resilient relationships which include both love and boundaries to keep them safe. And it’s never too early and never too late to start. Good luck. Let me know how you go!

* affiliate link – if you use this link, I may receive a small commission. Thank you for supporting my work!