Getting kids to help around the home Montessori-style

I just got off a fun call with a columnist for the Dutch newspaper, the Volkskrant, who had written to me wanting a Montessori opinion on a question from a reader about getting their children to help around the home. It was a fun conversation so I thought I’d share a little what we spoke about as I am sure that many of us will recognise the situation from our own homes.

For those that speak Dutch, here’s the link to the final article in the Volkskrant newspaper or scroll to the end of this page for a photo.

The question: The children go to a Dutch Montessori school and learn to do things for themselves there. Yet at home it’s very easy to quickly make their school lunch for them or end up having to nag them to get them to tidy up after themselves. Sometimes when the parents ask for help, the children give them a flat “no.” And then the parents end up finding themselves angry and there is a whole negative vibe to the idea of helping each other. The reader is wondering if they will ever do it themselves or if this is a complete illusion.

Sound familiar? And where to start? What if we get things set up and then we find resistance?

Let’s jump right in…

Is it tidying up or something more beautiful?

I once heard a beautiful interview about a Buddhist retreat where cleaning the shared spaces was included as a meditation – a practice of gratitude.At the time it made me reflect on how we view doing jobs around the home.

Do we moan about cleaning and tidying? Or can we see it as a way to restore our home at the end of the day, to prepare for the next, to show respect for each other in the family?

Whilst Montessori is renowned for “do it myself,” we often overlook that it’s also deeply grounded in community – including contributing to our first community, the family.

Dr Montessori was also quite clear that practical life activities benefit children in so many ways: they learn to take care of themselves, others, and the environment; they develop fine and gross motor skills; they build vocabulary; it helps them develop their will, and they absorb lessons in grace and courtesy hearing us say things like “I would love some help with ____,” “please,” and “thank you.”

Let’s start with what your child actually needs

We can be quick to decide that our children won’t help around the house. But maybe that’s the wrong question. In Montessori we love to start by asking: what does my child need? When we begin there, we can see the world through their eyes and make a plan that (mostly) works.

0–6 years: Young children usually love spending time with us and naturally copy what we do around the home. We might be sweeping the floor and suddenly have a little helper appear. Just as Dr Montessori did in her first Casa dei Bambini, we can set them up for success by having child-sized tools available. At this age they are also developing their movement and language and learning to contribute to the family.

6–12 years: The school-aged child may push back on helping. Their rational mind is developing and they need good reasons — not “because I said so.” They want to understand why we tidy up when we’re finished (so everyone can relax in shared spaces or perhaps because we have visitors coming over). Giving them autonomy matters too. Rather than “clean your room now,” we’ll have much more success if we approach it at a calm moment, are clear on expectations (“It’s important to have rooms tidy by 1pm so we can vacuum”), and let them choose when to take care of it.

12 years +: Don’t give up on our adolescents! They actually really need responsibility about things that matter. Helping us to change a light bulb, picking up groceries, helping with a younger sibling while we are out, helping a neighbour with their computer.

Making agreements, not demands

In Montessori we try not to make demands of our children. One reason children do things in their Montessori class but not at home is that the classroom runs on clear agreements that the children themselves help to create.

We can do the same at home. We can make agreements together around things like laundry, the dishwasher, cooking, or taking out the recycling.

And then we check in regularly (maybe once a week) to see what’s working and what we might need to tweak. Everyone is coming up with the agreements, adjustments, and finding solutions.

It’s never too early and it’s never too late to start

Honestly people ask me when they should start. I love to tell them it’s never too early to involve your young ones – a baby helping to choose a mango at the market, a toddler peeling the banana, a preschooler making pancakes.

If you didn’t start involving your children in household tasks when they were younger, I know it can feel nearly impossible to start. But I promise you, if you don’t start, it only gets harder, and you’ll likely find yourself feeling resentful.

Sit down together and acknowledge how things are going. Point out how much is on your plate, and that it’s probably not much fun for them either when you’re frustrated. Ask for their input. What could they help with? What could you help them with? Do they love cooking? That’s always a great place to start. Or maybe they’d love to be in charge of making the table feel cosy – think flowers, candles, a playlist.

For some children it’s going to be a little slower, building one skill at a time before adding another. Others may find visual lists or routine cards more helpful than verbal reminders.

The best agreements are the ones made together, based on each child’s strengths and preferences, so that everyone can live peacefully and help each other.

Letting the environment help us

In Montessori we love using the prepared environment to make things easier. A few small changes can make a big difference:

• A place for everything – hooks or cupboards for musical instruments, sports bags, and equipment
• A laundry hamper for dirty clothes, and cleared space in their wardrobe so putting clean clothes away is actually possible
• Storage in shared spaces so they can tidy away after big projects (lots of inspiration in this small space tour here!)
• Order, order, order – when things have a clear home, children of all ages can find what they need and return it without being asked

We want things to be easy to find, we want things to be easy to put away, and we want it to work for everyone in the family.

What they are capable of…and it’s a lot

In Montessori, we don’t pay children for their daily contribution to the home. Clearing the table, feeding the pet, tidying their room etc is all part of being in a family and caring for each other.

Where I would pay is for something I’d otherwise pay someone else to do: a bigger gardening project, washing the car, making a Canva poster for a workshop. In those cases I might say: “Does anyone want to earn €5 this weekend for washing the car? It needs to be done by 8pm Sunday.” They choose; then they follow through.

As for what they can manage, back in 2014 I wrote an infographic (remember those?!) of tasks that young children can help with. You can find the list here. I love that nothing has changed – Montessori really is timeless.

For 4+ years, we can add putting away laundry, more advanced cooking, caring for pets, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom. My children loved having a spray bottle and wiping each bathroom tile one by one. It took longer but it was fun to do together and they built real skills.

I remember Oliver around 10 years old wanting to cook Sunday dinner every week. He’d choose a recipe and write the shopping list, we’d go to the shop together, and I’d be his sous-chef as he cooked the meal. Before long he was also going to the store alone and cooking the whole meal himself. He was so proud of himself and we enjoyed his delicious meals.

And then there was the day when Emma was around 6 where her lunchbox came home untouched (again). She just didn’t like what I’d made. So I asked if she’d like to make her own. She was delighted. We set up a shelf in the fridge with everything she needed and that was the last school lunch I made for either of them.

Step back and let the consequences do the teaching

This doesn’t mean every meal was a success or that lunch boxes and sports bags were never forgotten. Of course they were.
But it does mean we let go enough for our children to feel the weight of their own responsibility.

When we see the lunchbox still sitting on the table, we leave it there. Our child will have that uncomfortable realisation themselves and they’ll be more likely to check what they have as they leave the next day. We don’t have to nag. We don’t pick up the rope to play tug-of-war.

Every time we do something our child is capable of doing, we indirectly tell them we don’t trust them.

Dr Montessori famously said: “Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.”

When they still don’t do it

• Look at how we’re involving them – are we demanding or making agreements together?
• Try declarative language. State what needs to happen. Eg,  “The cat hasn’t been fed yet. That’s your job this week.” Then: “She’s hungry and waiting. I know you’ll take care of it.”
• Be specific about when things need to be done
• Offer a small choice where possible
• Keep it short – fewer words means less to argue with
• No lecturing. Re-state what needs to happen, and let them know you trust them to handle it
• And if you do lose your temper – you’re human. Apologise and try again next time.

Just to be clear, this doesn’t mean I never helped my children. Of course I did! But there’s a difference between helping because we genuinely want to in that moment and habitually stepping in because it’s faster or easier. That second kind of help creates dependency and then we wonder why they never seem to help around the home.

So I hope this helps you to take a new approach to getting things done around the home. You might even find yourself enjoying the bubbles on your hands as you do the washing up with your child drying the dishes beside you – it’s the perfect reminder that we were able to put food on the table for our family tonight.

PS Here’s a photo below of the article that was published in the Volkskrant, 24 June 2026