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Is my child differently-wired?

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Many parents ask me about raising neurodivergent children and whether their child might be “differently wired.” So I invited my dear friend Debbie Reber of Tilt Parenting to share her wisdom and resources.

Debbie is the author of Differently Wired and podcast host of the Full Tilt Parenting podcast.​ You can also find her on Instagram, YouTube and Facebook.

I first met Debbie in Amsterdam more than 10 years ago, at a friend’s farewell picnic. Her then-10-year-old bounded up to our blanket with a joyful cry: “Plums! I love plums!” From that day on, I’ve loved hearing about their passions – whether lasers, marine biology, or the finer points of font design (comic sans and papyrus at the bottom of the list!).

It takes a special kind of presence and resilience to raise a differently wired child. Debbie shows families that being differently wired is not a deficit but a difference – and that difference can be a gift.

I hope you enjoy it! Here’s Debbie…

Debbie Reber, Tilt Parenting

What is “differently wired”?

Does your child seem more sensitive to sounds than others? Or maybe she never seems to settle, or his emotional reactions are bigger and more unpredictable than expected? Maybe she has an unusually rich vocabulary, or he finds playing with small objects challenging for his little fingers.

When an aspect of a child’s development looks different from their same-age peers, it’s natural to wonder if they’re developing “typically.” My husband and I wondered the same thing nearly twenty years ago when it became clear that our child wasn’t thriving in many environments designed for young children.

Over time, we learned our child was “differently wired,” a phrase I began using to describe anyone with neurodevelopmental differences such as ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, and/or giftedness. I chose this language because so much of the terminology used to describe kids like mine felt negative, reinforcing the idea that my child was a “problem” to be fixed. That’s why I launched Tilt Parenting nearly ten years ago—to challenge that narrative and encourage parents and educators to shift their thinking. I wanted us to stop seeing neurodifferences as deficits and instead embrace our kids’ unique wiring with respect and understanding.

The phrase “differently wired” isn’t a formal diagnostic term, but it has resonated with families over the years because it acknowledges neurodevelopmental differences without judgment or stigma. It pushes back against the idea that “normal” even exists, which is important when we realize that at least one in five people today is in some way neurodivergent.

Of course, embracing this perspective doesn’t mean the path is easy. Many neurodivergent children have “invisible differences,” meaning their needs aren’t obvious to others. As a result, their behaviors are frequently misunderstood or labeled as inappropriate. That’s why it’s critical for parents and educators to remember that all behavior is communication and to get curious about what’s happening beneath the surface. More often than not, unexpected behavior is a sign that a child is in sensory overload or that their nervous system has shifted into fight-or-flight mode.

The good news is that we are living through a time of change. The non-clinical term “neurodivergent” is increasingly recognized and embraced. And while stigma and misunderstanding still exist, there’s a growing movement of people reclaiming and celebrating their wiring.

For parents, it can still feel scary or overwhelming to realize that a child is on a different path than the one we imagined. But having neurodevelopmental differences doesn’t mean “worse” or “bad.” It simply means unique. And these unique children thrive best when the adults in their lives commit to understanding who they are, embrace both their strengths and their challenges, and stay curious about how to support them.

Here is a brief overview of some of the ways today’s children may be neurodivergent:

Autism

Autism is a neurodevelopmental difference that can impact social interaction, communication, and behavior in many different ways. Some autistic children may find eye contact uncomfortable, engage in repetitive movements, or experience challenges with speech and nonverbal communication. Many have deep areas of interest and feel most regulated with structure, routine, and predictability.

Because autism is a true spectrum, there is no single profile—experiences and characteristics vary widely. In recent years, there’s been growing recognition of the many ways autism can show up, and the ways diagnostic criteria are interpreted has expanded to better capture people who were often overlooked in the past, especially girls, whose traits may present differently.

I should note that while “Autism Spectrum Disorder” or ASD is still the commonly used clinical term, many autistic people reject the word disorder as it implies autism is a medical problem rather than a natural variation in how brains work. 

Autism involves real challenges in areas like communication, flexibility, and navigating a world not designed with autistic people in mind. At the same time, it comes with unique strengths—such as deep focus, strong memory, creative problem-solving, and passionate engagement with areas of interest. Honoring both the challenges and the gifts gives us a fuller, more accurate picture of who autistic people are and the many contributions they bring to the world.

ADHD

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), sometimes called ADD, is a brain-based difference in how attention, energy, and impulses are regulated. It can look very different from child to child. Some kids show the more hyperactive/impulsive type—high energy, distractibility, fidgeting, and impulsive behavior. Others fit the inattentive type, which may look more like daydreaming, hyperfocusing, forgetfulness, difficulty staying organized, or seeming “tuned out.” Many kids experience a blend of both.

Studies show that more than 10 percent of kids today have ADHD. Boys are diagnosed nearly twice as often as girls, but research suggests that many girls are missed because inattentive traits are less disruptive and therefore overlooked.

While ADHD can bring real challenges in school and daily life, it also comes with unique gifts—creativity, big-picture thinking, passion, entrepreneurial spirit, and boundless energy and ideas are just a few of them.

Dyslexia & Other Learning Disabilities

Learning disabilities (LDs) can impact many areas of a child’s life, from reading, writing, and math to skills like organizing, planning, and reasoning. The most common LD is dyslexia, which affects reading and fluency. Less familiar differences include dysgraphia (writing), dyscalculia (math), executive functioning challenges, slow processing speed, nonverbal learning disorder, auditory processing disorder, and visual processing issues.

LDs can sometimes be tricky to identify. Some kids work extra hard to compensate for their challenges, masking the difficulty. In other cases, struggles may show up as what looks like “bad behavior” or disorganization. And far too often, kids are underestimated—seen as “less capable” when in reality their unique learning needs simply aren’t being supported in the right way.

With the right understanding and accommodations, children with learning disabilities can thrive, and their unique ways of thinking and problem-solving often become incredible strengths.

Sensory Processing Differences & Highly Sensitive Children

Some children experience the world in a way that is more—sounds may feel louder, lights brighter, textures rougher, or emotions bigger. These sensory processing differences can be a significant challenge, shaping how kids move through their daily environments and how regulated they feel.

Children with sensory differences may be sensory-seeking (craving extra input), sensory-avoidant (overwhelmed by certain sensations), or a mix of both. Places full of stimulation like amusement parks, movie theaters, or even busy classrooms can quickly become dysregulating.

In addition, some kids are especially attuned to the emotional energy around them. These highly sensitive children often feel things deeply and may have powerful empathic responses, like crying for days after accidentally stepping on a beetle.

It’s also worth noting that while not every child with sensory differences is neurodivergent in other ways, most neurodivergent kids do experience sensory differences as part of their profile. Rather than seeing these sensitivities as problems to be fixed, we can view them as important clues to what our children need to feel safe, comfortable, and regulated in the world.

Gifted

Giftedness generally refers to unusually high aptitude in areas such as intelligence, creativity, or specific talents, though there is no single agreed-upon definition. Because it can take so many forms, giftedness doesn’t look just one way. A gifted child might be an early reader, show an exceptional memory, demonstrate a natural facility with numbers, or pick up new instruments with ease.

While giftedness is often assumed to guarantee success, many gifted children develop asynchronously—their intellectual abilities are far ahead of their social and emotional maturity. This uneven development can create unique challenges, both at home and in school, as children struggle to match their inner capacities with the expectations placed upon them.

At the same time, gifted children bring remarkable curiosity, creativity, and passion, and they thrive when their strengths are recognized and nurtured alongside support for their areas of growth.

Twice-Exceptional / 2e

Twice-exceptional, or “2e,” refers to children who are intellectually gifted and have at least one other neurodevelopmental difference, such as ADHD, autism, or a learning disability. This combination can put kids in an especially tricky spot.

Sometimes a child’s giftedness masks their neurodivergence—they’re so bright that they compensate for their challenges and fly under the radar. More often, though, their neurodivergence masks the giftedness, leaving their strengths overlooked while the focus falls only on what’s hard.

Because their development can be so uneven, supporting 2e kids often requires thoughtful individualization, both at home and at school. When their strengths and challenges are seen and supported side by side, these children can flourish in extraordinary ways.

Next steps

  • Debbie has written a wonderful book for families – Differently Wired – about raising neurodivergent children which I highly recommend for the emotional shifts you can make as a parent to help you support your child.
  • To get you started, here are some of the ideas summarised in the Tilt Parenting creed, basically how you can tilt how you raise your child.
content_Tilt-Creed.png

Thank you so much Debbie for sharing with us. Be sure to follow her at Tilt Parenting to get more support and I’ll be back with more Montessori inspiration very soon.

PS One last resource – I always appreciate the perspective of Autistic Montessori parent Amorette of @french.family.montessori

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