Is Montessori parenting a fairy-tale? That’s what the Atlantic said. Here’s what I think…

An article appeared in The Atlantic on 27 February 2024, The Fairy-Tale Promises of Montessori Parenting.

The article gives a good overview of Montessori at home, its origins, its aims, and how it might look at home.

“Psychologists generally agree that the ideal parenting style is “authoritative” and is characterized by high levels of warmth and control. The overall [Montessori] approach is largely aligned with that authoritative-parenting ideal.”

– Cray, The Atlantic

However, the author Cray also comes to some unfounded conclusions some of which I would like to address here.

“While Montessori parenting can be rewarding, it can also be particularly expensive and labor-intensive”

• There is a misconception that Montessori is expensive. Dr Montessori began her work in the slums of Rome and with children with special needs.
• You do not need to buy anything to practice Montessori principles at home. Montessori is a way of being with our children, observing them, understanding them, and supporting their development.
• Being in nature, preparing food, and wondering at the world around us cost nothing or very little.
• Montessori does not have to be labor-intensive. It can take some preparation up front to make things more accessible for our children. Then we step back, observe, and step in only when needed.
• Our children become capable and are able to do so much for themselves and others. They can get their own drink, pack their lunchboxes, set the table for our family meals, and get creative when we allow time for them to be bored.

“Of course, TikToks like the one of Carter cooking leave a lot out. As any parent will tell you, such videos just aren’t representative of what cooking with young kids is typically like.”

• Cray is correct here. What we don’t see on the TikTok videos is the scaffolding we have done.
• But that doesn’t mean that cooking with young children is chaotic.
• We teach our child one step at a time. They master that skill and we add another. We learn to only put out as much as we want to clean up. For busy families, we can make it work around our schedule, eg, involve them on weekends.
• Over time our children will be able to practice more and more skills independently.

“…applying Montessori educational ideas to raising kids can amount to good parenting. (Even if it is dressed up in impressive branding and comes with a whole lot of merch.)”

• Montessori is not a brand. It is a philosophy, a way of seeing our children with a new lens. Seeing each child as unique, as capable, with awe and wonder.
• Montessori is not the things you can buy. We do not need a Montessori play kitchen or even a Montessori shelf (although we can if we want).
• The best thing to offer our child is large blocks of uninterrupted time to communicate, explore, make discoveries, and be in community.

“Ultimately, no one can escape the hard truth: No matter how hard you work to organize a playroom, you can’t eliminate chaos or uncertainty from parenting.”

• Indeed we cannot. Raising children in a Montessori way is not trying to eliminate chaos or uncertainty.
• Montessori gives us tools to cope with the chaos and uncertainty – to respond rather than react, to accept the uncertainty and go on a journey with our family, to watch our child reveal themselves to us.
• Montessori brings the joy back to raising children by supporting our child enjoying their natural desire to learn and not taking on their stress.

“This level of patience isn’t just for chores; it’s for everything.” 

• If we need to leave, we don’t have to have infinite patience. We can say, “You’ve tried to get your shoes on by yourself. It’s time to go now so I’ll help you finish and you can try again tomorrow.” Montessori is about both respecting the child and ourselves. 
• The article questions allowing children to use glassware: they may cut themselves or we’ll need to buy many cups/bowls. We are not allowing our children to throw the glassware; occasionally one might break as it does with adults too. They learn very quickly to be careful or we put them away to try at another time.

“The philosophy asks a lot of caregivers…When finally doing the task, parents should be ready with cleaning materials to wipe up any mistakes.”

• The author might be horrified to know that we teach the child to do the cleaning up part too.
• I would agree with the idea that Montessori asks a lot of caregivers. We are asked to be intentional with our children, with our time, with our attention and with our lives. I think these are admiral things to ask for, rather than being busy with things like doom scrolling and tuning out from others in our life.

Perhaps Montessori is a fairy-tale after all

I am sure that many of you have had family members tell you the same thing about these Montessori ideas and I hope this letter helps you to find a way to explain to them how this approach brings back the joy to raising children and how our children benefit.

Gabriel Salamão of Lar Montessori told me the way he gets family and others on board is not to use the word Montessori. Instead we can focus on the joy the child has as they master things for themselves. “Look how they climbed to the top of the climbing frame and back down all by themselves. They really know how to listen to their body.” “Look how they enjoy getting themselves a glass of water. Did you see that? They were so careful they kept all the water in the glass.”

We can find like-minded families who are on a similar path and support each other.

Because we understand that Montessori gives us a way to raise peaceful, compassionate children who are capable and who have creative minds to navigate an unknown and uncertain future.

That’s the most beautiful prospect I can imagine right now.

Here’s to living a fairy-tale with our children, the Montessori way.