Why we should stop saying good job and what we can say instead?

Some of us learned that we should say “good job” to our children so they feel seen and to build their self-esteem. Unfortunately this has backfired and has made our children dependent on our praise. So here’s why we should stop saying good job and what we can say instead. Further, you’ll see that stopping with “Good Job” is a useful place to start with Montessori (for other places to start, check this post here).

Where I started

Over 20 years ago – before I became a Montessori educator – I started attending a Montessori playgroup with my son Oliver, who was 18 months old at the time. One of the first things I learned there was that in Montessori, they don’t say “good job.” Instead, they describe what the child did.

While I took the idea on board, it was many years later when I fully understood the significance of why this was such an important shift and why I think it’s a great place to start for families new to Montessori, or even if you’ve been practicing for some time.

Why not say good job?

A helpful place to start is to read this article by Alfie Kohn, 5 reasons to stop saying good job. In summary, in the article Kohn says that saying “Good job”:

1. Manipulates children. By offering a reward or threatening a punishment, we may get a result, but “it’s very different to working with kids.”
2. Creates praise junkies. The praise makes them dependent on us. They can become less secure, always wanting someone to tell them if they are doing ok.
3. Steals a child’s pleasure. We can let our child enjoy their successes by sharing with us “I did it!”, rather than them waiting for us to give them the verdict.
4. Can make them lose interest. Interestingly, the article points out that there is “an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.” Fascinating!
5. Can reduce achievement. Research shows that if a child is praised for a creative task, they may actually do worse at the following task. This can be because their interest and pleasure is less, or that they feel pressure to perform.

What shall I say instead of good job?

One of the most helpful early resources I found was the book How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk by Faber and Mazlich.

In the book, they give 3 alternatives to say instead of “Good job”:

1. Describe what they did. Using an encouraging tone, we can say, “I see you tidied up your room. You put the stuffed animals on your bed, the legos in the box, and the shoes are all lined up.” For a younger child who walks for the first time, “You look so excited. You just walked all the way from there to there!” Then they can reflect, yes, I did do that!
   
2. Describe how you feel. We can express how what they have done has been helpful to us. “It feels so nice to walk into a tidy living room. Thanks for tidying up everything.” (Note: this is very different from saying, “make mummy/daddy happy by tidying up” – the latter would be a type of manipulation.)
   
3. Sum it up with a word. This is a fun one for expanding vocabulary at the same time as giving them feedback. “Now that’s what I call resourcefulness/perseverance/being organised etc!” It makes us really reflect on what they have done that we appreciate.

This list by Aubrey Hargis has some other options too which may resonate more for you.

What I now realise about saying good job

After 22 years working in Montessori classrooms, I realise now that it goes even further than that:

1. By no longer using “good job” we remove the judgement (even if it’s positive) from what we say.
   We help them to foster their intrinsic motivation rather than looking to us or something external for motivation.
   
2. We support them to construct themselves. When they can look inside to say “I did it!” they start to build their sense of self, their self-confidence, and their ability to see they are enormously capable. This includes looking after themselves, others, and the environment.
   
3. It removes the typical power dynamic of an adult knowing more than the child. Shifting from saying “good job”, moves the power balance from the old “power over children” paradigm to “working together.”
   
4. This paradigm shift also allows us to look at the child to see what they are revealing to us about themselves, instead of what we want them to do/become etc.
   
5. As a nice side effect, they receive much more language as well.

This is such a helpful shift to make as we adopt a Montessori approach in our homes – an easy place to start for those new to Montessori or those who have been practising for some time.

How to break the habit of saying good job

The first thing that happened to me once I heard about the downsides to using “good job” was that I noticed how much I said it. I was shocked.

It took some time before I was able to switch my language but things that helped were:

1. Hanging up alternative phrases in my kitchen cupboard to refer to and remind myself
   
2. Making a note when I couldn’t think of what to say instead to ask a friend
   
3. Keep practising – it can take time to change habits AND it makes a huge shift in how we raise our children

Now it has become automatic and I use these other options with my family, friends, in my classroom, everywhere!

All that said, it doesn’t hurt from time to time to say, “I’m so proud of you” and to celebrate our children. Because they do like it when we are proud of them too. But I caution, please use it wisely.

So now you know why we should stop saying good job and what you can say instead, and our children will thrive by focusing on intrinsic motivation instead.